Why? Why? Why?

I have been in this struggle with myself for some time now. I am constantly searching for the truth about who I am. I so often remember all of the stupid things that I have done or said or say things that cause these horrible misunderstandings between myself and other people. During those thoughts, I feel like I am suffering the same embarrassment that I suffered in the situation originally. It's like these thoughts and memories just won't leave and they are really getting on my nerves. I don't want to be a "bag lady", hurt my back or miss a bus or anything like that. (reference: Erykah Badu) :o) I think about all the mistakes I've made in my personal and professional life. I swear these thoughts are like an irritating ex-boyfriend. They just won't go away. I know that I'm not the only person with this problem cause if I was, Iyanla Vanzant and Dr. Phil would be flipping burgers at Mickie D's. They would be STRAIGHT unemployed. The weird thing is that I know that these things aren't worth thinking about. I have other things that I could be spending my energy on but these thoughts just don't seem to want to go away. Why? What's the point? There is no point. And the worst part about it is... I'm a great person. I'm kind, loving, caring, I try to be honest and considerate. All of these great things. But for some odd reason, even with my recognition of these facts, I still have these thoughts.

OK, I know that this is weird and has nothing to do with this journal entry but I have a question. What purpose do Roaches serve on this planet? Can somebody tell me?!? I just took a short breat to make a "pit stop" and had to sweep two huge roaches out of my latrine. I have to tell you that I was looking at their disgusting little bodies and trying to figure out exactly why there are here. What do they do for the world and what do they eat in the wild? I know that in urban areas they live off of crumbs that people have dropped or manage to get into a box of cereal or bisquick from time to time but what do roaches in the Amazon eat and exactly what is their purpose? Where do roaches fit in the grand and beautiful circle of life? I think that God would not have made them if they weren't important for something? It (God) would not have made it so easy for them to reproduce in great numbers if they weren't somewhere in it's great plan. Oh well. I'll just have to keep killing them until I figure it out. Actually... I will probably continue killing them even after I figure it out. But now there is a conflict, If I truly believe that all things are God's creations, who am I to despise God's creations? God's perfect creations... created perfectly... for whatever they were... created for. Then again the same could be said for mosquitoes and fleas, and even for George Bush. Geeze Louise, believing in God is a big responsibility. I am constantly forced to look at myself and my beliefs and try my best to live right. It's hard, but not half as hard as it would be if I didn't know God.

Which brings me back to my original topic... Me!

I have to get it through my thick head that I too am one of God's perfect creations. Created perfectly for whatever it is I was created for. But sometimes, reminding myself of that fact is a bit hard. Oh well, I'll just continue to leave it with God> I am sure that just like my times of spiritual bliss and pure unadulterated joy, my doubts and fears are all a part of that greater whole.

Anyway, recently I was sent an Email stating that the husband of one of my sorors was killed in a car accident. I could not believe it. I still can't. And I don't know what to do. At this point in time I don't even have words to express how I feel. They were such a cute little family. She is my age, married with three children, and has been with this man for years. She has three kids and is really a kind individual. How could this have happened to her an her family. I genuinely believe that everything that happens in this world happens for our good and that God does everything for a reason but its times like this when my belief system is challenged the most. I have the utmost faith in God and know that it guides and directs my every move and every move of all the people on this planet. But at times like this, when tragedy strikes, I am afraid that I have trouble believing that. I know that often, I don't see the good in a situation until a long time after it has passed and sometimes I don't ever figure out what the point of something is. But I always keep the faith and know that God is good all the time. I just have to hold on to that right now and continue to pray for stregnth for my soror and her family.

But that's too clean of an ending. I still feel like crap. The odd thing is, no matter how crappy I feel, deep down inside my soul, there is always a little light shining. Shining and reminding me that God is with me. I remember when my sister got sick a couple of years ago. That was one of the hardest times of my life. I remember feeling so hopeless. Everyone in my family was looking to me to handle things that needed to be taken care of with her. While feeling like I needed to be strong for everyone else, I didn't feel like I could be strong for myself. I remember going back to my apartment in San Jose after two days of worry and confusion and living on about two hours of sleep. I was physically tired and what's worse, emotionally tired. I was in my room praying and saying God please just send me somebody on this earth that can help me and then I just started to weep a bit. Through my sobs, almost out of nowhere, I could hear my roommate Candra's TV in the next room. I thought about going to talk to her but it was late and even though she is one of my best friends I didn't want to bug her with my issues. After much deliberation, I finally made the decision to just go in and talk to her because I didn't know what else to do. I sort of crept into her room and she was asleep so as calmly as I could I said "Candra, Candra... I just need to talk a bit". I explained how was feeling, all the trouble that I was having with Kaiser, the HMO from HELL. In the middle of telling her everything, I started to cry uncontrollably. I had never cried so hard in front of anyone. Candra came and held me and by the end of my crying jag, she was crying too. My friend loves me so much that she felt my pain as her own. Not only had God sent me that somebody I needed, God gave me the awareness to know that the somebody I needed was always there and that I had to do was open my heart and see them. It was after that time that I realized for the first time, I truly felt and internalized for the first time in my life, that no matter what I need God is always here for me. God is here for me in the form of Candra and all my friends and family that helped me through that time. Here for me in the form of my ability to shed the healing, soothing tears. God is here for my sister in the form of all her friends and family that were and always will be here for her. And I am knowing that God is here for my soror. As a matter of fact, in the form of everything that supports her.

I am remembering a time when I was inconsolable, even after I came to realize that God was, is, and always will be here for me. I can remember God everywhere or rather reminders of God's presence in my life. I might be in the grocery store and all of a sudden a feeling of despair would come over me. I would stop myself, take a deep breath, and look around me. I might see a box of all and think "yeah, that's right, God is my all!" Or be at the gas station thinking about how many crunches I need to do to get rid or the "natural fanny pack" that had recently and mysteriously attached itself to my abdomen. Someone would walk up to me and say "You look really beautiful today" then just walk away. I would say thanks then stand there thinking "Darn right I do and God made me that way! Praise God!" It was during the most hellish time in my life that I was awakened to the fact of God's constant presence in my life. Of course I'm not happy that my sister got sick and I won't lie and say that I don't have my down times (like when I sit around thinking about all the mistakes that I have made). But no matter how rough it gets for me here, no matter how frustrated I feel with my life in a foreign country, I am centered in knowing that God is always here for me in some form or another and that I am one of It's (God's) perfect creations... perfectly created... for whatever it is I was created for. Throughout my time here in Benin I have had to call upon that belief on a regular basis. I miss my family and friends, I hate the food,(yes, I am using the word "hate"), and I am having trouble with the language. The language issue is especially troubling because I have always considered myself an articulate person, so having trouble expressing myself has been a great challenge. But all in all, I just keep the faith, try to stay centered in love, and keep writing.

Tune in for the next exciting episode of Postcards from Benin. Same bat time, same bat website...

Current Reading List:

Another Roadside Attraction Tom Robbins
Manchild in the Promised Land Claude Brown
The Bible Various
The Screwtape Letters C. S. Lewis

What I Miss Right Now:

Tea time with my daddy, the Victoria's Secret clearance sale, closets, nightclubs, celery, step shows, soup, BBQ Sauce, H&M, coffee shops, insect free living, collard greens, traveling with Sharee, High heeled shoes, Girls nights in with my friends, fresh veggies, microwaves, Jamba Juice, Martinis, tha hair shop, efforts at political correctness, outlet shopping, ebonics, fast food